Hazel Langhorn

Still Missing You

They say there is a reason
They say that time will heal
But neither time nor reason
Will change the way we feel.

For no one knows the heartache
that lies behind our smiles,
No one knows how many times
we have broken down and cried.

We want to tell you something
so there won't be any doubt,
You're so wonderful to think of
but so hard to be without.
We cannot bring the old days back,
when we were all together
The family chain is broken now,
but memories live forever.

Not often through tears do I post memories because I like the good stories. This is not one of those times. I am trying with all of my might to just be okay and it's not happening. I have not put on clothes today and had it not been for drama at work my conversation with Pooh would be the extent of my interaction. I just did not feel like IT. All day I have been alone remembering and trying to forget walking from the living room to the bedroom to the dining room to the living room to the bedroom thinking but not thinking.

This is one heavy place to be, wanting to go and wanting to stay. I have always said that I don't do confusion well and I realize I really don't.

 Mommas last night here was tough. I got up and went into her room and we prayed and I talked and she responded as best as she could. Afterwards Catrese came and we went in together and Trese held one hand and I held the other and we prayed some more. I had no idea that this would be our last night after spending what seems like an eternity at the hospital but I knew that I did not and would not see her suffer. My (our) mother was a very gracious lady that would not send her children through the tough decisions that some children have had to face and when the time to go was upon her she did it with as much dignity and grace that we had all come to see in her in our lifetime. This by no means makes her leaving any easier but it can help to know that she always wanted to be remembered as the best mother she could have been with the hand she held and in every sense of our beings we all know that she is.

 I am torn up and hope that when I go to the cemetery today that through the aching heart and the tears I can honor, show appreciation, and represent the great lady that gave us all a fighting chance to be the great sisters, mothers, aunts, wives, neices, girlfreinds, tomboys, cooks, leaders, girl scouts, gardeners, pet lovers, ladies, but mostly CROWDERS that she taught us to be. I will  take all of the love that she gave and received with me and even tho I may need to do this alone I know I am not for I am a Crowder and with that I know I am never alone.

So to all of the Crowder/Carr women I say... You know who you are and you know what you're made of. Keep it going. In time we'll be "Just Fine".

I have been blessed with very few "dark" days in my life.  But the 3 most memorable ones involve my immediate family.  It was a Friday in September of 1983 that Jeannie needed to talk to me after being released from the hospital.  We had a delicious steak dinner in downtown Peoria at Jim's Steak House as we discussed her diagnosis. In the poshness, we cried, held hands and planned how to deal with the news.

You have no idea of the impact that had on us.  We (the entire family) clung to each other every chance we could.  It was our sincere heartfelt prayers that God answered and delivered her healthy back to us.  If I could have traded places with her...I would have.  She had two little boys that needed her even more then we did.  I could tell you a gazzillion stories about those months and the things we encountered during that time.  She was placed in Northwestern hospital in Chicago and for months we tried to ensure that she knew she was thought about & loved every day.  I am blessed to have my sister....my friend...my partner in crime.

But the darkest day of my life was yet to come......when Mom called me and told me she was sick....my world collapsed.  The tears started and the guilt of having left home engulfed my soul.  I wasn't there.  My siblings rallied and took care of her.  Not once did I ever worry about her being in good hands...not where my siblings were concerned.  Now her grandkids...that's another story - but God will handle that.  I never wanted to outlive my mother. I have always felt that I could not bear the pain. And I was right.  She was right when she told my sisters that I would go to pieces.  I have.  Even though I cried while she was sick...the tears stopped the week of June 13th 2009.  I got kicked out of counseling and told that when I am ready to grieve I can come back.  The goofy girl tried everything she'd learn to break me emotional but I just wouldn't give.  It's because I'm scared. I'm scared of what will happen if I ever let myself release the pain and sorrow in my soul.  As the annivesary of Mom's Memorial approaches I am afraid that I will not be capable of facing it.

I will forever remember following her across the river and pushing her into the crematory and turning the thermostat on my birthday.  Just like Pooh's birthday will never be the same.....it was the day of her services.  But we did it those days so that more people could share in the celebration of her life.  I really try to honor her everyday and do things that would make her proud.  But I miss her and I HATE being here without her.  Her death was and shall always be the DARKEST day of my life.  I love her with all of my heart and soul.

Then just as I am trying to prepare to come home......along comes another dark day. T3 & T4 cells in Kikki's kidney.  I've done my research but all the reading in the world is nothing compared to the power of prayer.  With God all things are possible. So, I am trusting and believing that He is going to handle this for us.

They say the darkest hour is right before dawn.

It's the strenghts of my sisters that carry me.  I was feeling mighty low today a headache like I've never had before.  My thoughts all day were 1st Mother Day without mom.  It felt like the end of the world.  Didn't feel any comfort until I had a visit with her and talked to my sisters. I actually turned my cell phone off.  Got tired of it ringing and text messages.  What I just realized is that I'v touched so many hearts and have so many people that actually do care about me.  Just like her.

I need to apologize to my sisters.   Roma has always cooked dinner for us and I told him no.  I realize know that it was very selfish of me.  I didn't want all the company that came with it. I know that they understand and I will make it up to them.

So, to all I hope that you all Have a Very Happy Mothers Day!

I laughed so hard when I read Jeannie's Mother's Day memory about that plastic flower bud thing that thieve'in man took our money for.  What she forgot to add was how we added a cut up Suzy Q at the base...lol.

Our hearts were in the right place and all the money in the world can not replace the amount of love we share now or as we were growing up as family.

Today Jeannie gave me the opportunity to talk to Mom at the cemetery.  You see, that's the type of thing that occurs when someone loves and cares.  I talk to Mom everyday but being able to speak to her in Peoria allowed me to express my love at her resting place and my home.  Thank you....my sister ...my friend.

So, Happy Mother's Day to my sisters (Lisa included) because they are good mothers and have the imprints of great women.  I love you all.  Mom and Aunt Dot are surely proud.

I miss you, Mom