Hazel Langhorn

I thought you'd like to know all those nights you paced the floor, praying I would make it home alright, beleiving God that he would  some day save my soul. well he did and I thought you'd like to know. Momma I want you to know I love you please forgive me for all the times I broke your heart every tear you cried for me drew me closer to being free and I want to thank you and I thought you'd like to know.

These are the words to a song I heard when I first decided to make Momma a tape for Mothers Day when she got her Cavalier. She was so emotional about this and the other "Momma" songs that I'd found, that every year after that I had to make her a  new tape but she always wanted that song on it. Eventually we grew past the "tape" thing and I started burning cd's. Finding new momma songs got more difficult over the years so she ended up with a lot of repeats but momma never complained.

When we went to Missouri for the family reunion she couldn't wait to let Aunt Paulene here that song. She just cried and I think Aunt Paulene cried with her.

As the years went by trying to be creative about the things that would mean something from the heart in acknowledging Mothers Day got more and more difficult because it's hard to buy things for somebody that had all she needed and KNEW her fruits of her labor loved her unconditionally. Oh yeah, I remember when we were real young and went to this thrift store type place and found this huge (what we thought was beautiful) flower thing that had all these little funny looking red flower type buds hanging on it. We were so excited. We decided to pull all our little soda bottle money and pennies that we could collect and sneak back to the store and surprise her. And we planned this for a while. On the way home with this red budded thing the buds was falling off and we had to work to put them back on as well as we could. Mothers Day came and we couldn't wait to give her our treasure. As I look back she acted so happy and pleased with our find but let me tell the truth now, she had to be thinking I love my kids for the effort but where, why ,who, what am I supposed to do with this and who stole my kids money.Like the real diamonds my kids were so proud of that they bought for me at "Foglers Variety" store.

Well it's Mothers Day and I went to the cemetery and honored the great woman that smiled through the red budded gift and taught me how to smile through my 3 dollar real diamonds. Great Memories.... I have plenty and as the song says" I want to thank you".

Last Easter we were preparing to get together for the holiday. We always cook a big meal and have a large Easter egg hunt for the kids. For years it was at my house, but one year we actually did it at Doyles. It has always been a great holiday for our family. We have moved it to Gigi's and it has started to change only because the kids are growing up.

Anyway, last year we were at Gigis when my phone rang and it was Kikki saying that she was on her way to the hospital with mom. We dropped what we were doing and just left.

When we got to the hospital Mom was peed off that we were there. She said she was fine she just thought her blood sugar was a little high. We stayed anyway and as the day went on she insisted that we leave. Because she was in the emergency room and was waiting for a room Kikki stayed and me and Gigi left to go check on the kids. We were probably gone about a half hour and when we came back we bought the kids with us so that mom could see them in there bunny ears and out fits. While she laid in her bed we put bunny ears on her head and took pictures. We really had a good time under the circumstances.

I had no idea that this would be our last Easter together but I know we could not have done any more then we did to make it a good day for her. We laughed and talked all evening.

She went home from the hospital and I thought all was well. A true lady to the end. God I miss her.

Happy Birthday, Mom

The cake is our favorite...cherry cheesecake with graham cracker crust!  It wasn't nearly as delicious as your homemade ones. But I lit it and sang like you were sitting and waiting on a piece.

Today was a horrific day.  But my sisters and friends rallied and made it bearable.  They provided as much comfort as is humanly possible.  Granny T was the highlight...with her upbeat call and declaration of what day it was...."Granny Hazel's Birthday!"

We miss you so much and love you so very deeply.  I would give anything to share another birthday with you.

Happy Birthday, Momma

I have come here many times, thinking I could write about Mom's death and our holidays.  But it eludes me, try as I might...the words will not come.  The tears and emotions overwhelm me.  Please do not think ill of me.  I am not writing a memory but just making a statement regarding the conditon of my heart.

I do not mean to dishonor Mom's memory or what she would have us to do.

It just is not in me to deal with the grief.  I am lost in a blackness that I can not shake.  Thanksgiving was so hard, I knew I could not return for Christmas.  My mental and emotional states can not bear it.  I know that we are not the only ones to have suffered the loss of a parent.  I think it is improper and thoughtless of anyone to say that we should get past this....we need to face it and realize that death is certain and life goes on.  I don't want to be told how to deal with my sorrow.

I always knew that I could not handle Mom's death.  I prayed countless times that the Lord would take me before her because I could not bear it.  I don't want to hear about his plan....I don't want to be given "the talk".  William has said enough and I am no longer listening.

My sisters and brother are doing a fantastic job.  The headstone is a testament.  You have each exhibited a strength of character over the past months that can only come from your love for Mom and each other.  Everytime I talk to you I go away knowing that Mom is happy with her fruits.  She would be so proud of you.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for calling me yesterday.  Think back to Mom's favorite movie..."The Color Purple" --------"I's was feel'in mighty low and dhens I looks up and I see's you Miss Celie....and I knows dere isa God"  Well, I was feeling pretty low when ya'll called me yesterday.  That was my best Christmas gift!  Thank you for thinking of me.

I know.....I know we are all going to be okay.  In our own time.....in our own way.........it's going to be okay.  God's got this.......and us.

Holidays!

Holidays have always been very special for my family.  I sometimes wonder if we are the only family that celebrates them all.  We actual look at Birthdays as Holidays. (lol) 

This past holiday had to have been the hardest.  Thanskgiving dinner was wonderful.  It always comes together and participation was great.   Marcus lead prayer and it bought tears to all of us.  What I truely missed was Mom sitting monitoring the food and soda.  Her favorite line was  you can eat all you want but no to goes.  Well, needless to say Kikki tried but all of my pots came home empty, but I didn't mind. 

I don't think anybody but maybe Jeannie really sinced how it really effected me.  With Roma still fighting for his disability and we have been well into almost 5 years.  Things have really been hard on us.  It doesn't help that my home is like a homeless shelter.  That's another one of those gifts that Mom gave me.  I actually didn't have the money to purchase what I need to cook and when I say no money I mean no money.  I started crying that Monday at work and the tears never stopped.  Mom and I have always did the majority of the cooking and if I needed her for anything she was always there.  I knew that if I ran out of nutmeg, sage or anything that I could pick up the phone and call and send Roma or one of my kids to pick it up from her.  She always made sure I had everything that I needed. The phone calls would start early in the morning and never stop stop until we had completed our cooking.   I think she pulled me through this one also.  All came together, I got what I needed and did the very best that I could.  I knew that she wouldn't have expected anything less of me.  Finding balance was hard. 

Christmas is coming and it's the same thing. I never thought that such a joyous time could bring so much unhappiness. My first thought was that I can't do this.   I have yet to hang a light or put up my tree.  All that know me are really surprised. It's so hard to get in the spirit. My goal is to focus on what I have, not what I can give. I've been blessed with a wonderful mom, great sisters, a brother, children, grandkids, even a husband of almost 30 years and family that loves me so much!   God please continue to bless all of us and Mom we carry you in our hearts!